Rules for Crew

Introduction

Crew have a hard time in theatre. They're the ones who run around backstage and never show their faces, but without whom most shows would collapse into a flaming pile of chaos, echoing with the cries of divas and drama queens who cannot remember which costumes to wear, where they left their props, how to turn on their microphones, or, occasionally, where the stage is. Nonetheless, it is a sad truth that if an audience member notices a crew member doing his or her job, they aren't doing the job properly.

Bad crew - sadly common - take this implicit invisibility as an excuse not to work, saying "They don't care about our jobs, so why should we put effort in?" Good crew are the ones who realise that their jobs are important, suppress the need for fame and glory, suck up their issues, and do the job.

In the last three years of theatre, over the course of nine major shows and countless minor ones, I've learnt a few vital rules, which I share with you today. I came up with them all and wrote them down - with the exception of rule 1, which is a Hunger Games quote courtesy of my drama teacher, Luke Holder - but they're not my rules, any more than gravity belongs to Newton, or radiation to Marie Curie. Think of them as the corporealised form of a set of rules implicitly known and followed by crews throughout the performing arts, all across the world. Enjoy.

The Rules

1. Stupid people are dangerous.
1. Stupidity is always a valid assumption. No exceptions.
2. Sanity is never a valid assumption. No exceptions.
2. If it needs to be done, it is your job.
3. There is no such thing as “just a school show”.
4. The Stage Manager is second in charge to God. Do what they say.
1. If you think you have a better idea, explain it, calmly and politely.
2. If they ignore your “better idea”, do what they say.
5. You are doing a vital job, without which no show would ever happen.
1. The cast will not see this.
2. The director will not see this.
3. The audience certainly will not see this.
4. As crew, if someone notices you doing your job, either you’re doing it wrong, or you’re not doing it stealthily enough.
5. Because we are crew, we do the job anyway.
6. You will screw up.
1. Every second you spend denying your screw-ups, the problem you caused gets worse. Shut up, say “I was wrong”, and fix it.
7. Other people will screw up.
1. When they screw up, they will screw up your work. It happens. Stop complaining and start fixing.
2. Cast will screw up. They will not admit that they are wrong. Deal with it, and start fixing.
3. Crew will screw up. Blaming them is a waste of time. Reminding them of Rule 6.1) is a waste of time. Spend that time fixing it.
8. You don’t know everything.
1. Admitting that you don’t know what you’re doing sucks.
2. Screwing up a show for the cast, the crew, and the (paying) audience because you pretended to know what you were doing really sucks.
9. The phrase “I had no choice” is both simpering and completely untrue. At least do us the dignity of coming up with a better excuse than that.
1. You always have a choice. What you want is better options.
10. Cast are bastards. Sorry.
1. Sometimes they aren’t.
2. Even when they are, there is no excuse to “get them back”. We’re crew. We don’t do petty feuds. We do our jobs.
11. Privacy is an illusion.
1. You will be shoved, squashed, prodded and pulled. Girls – and guys – will change in front of you. It happens.
2. If you are too shy to handle this, this isn’t the job for you.
3. The privacy, dignity and trust of every cast member is sacred. Do not abuse your position to take advantage of the cast.
4. If you read this and think, “I’m a guy, I can’t help it”, develop self-control or find a new job.
12. The show comes first
1. If you think something – sport, family, transport problems, anything – might stop you from being wherever you are needed, whenever you are needed, think very carefully before signing up as crew.
2. Once you are crew, you will be there. Cast can miss rehearsals because they stubbed their toe. Crew are there to do their job, always.
13. The dual mantras:
1. If anybody notices that, there’s something wrong with the rest of the show.
2. I’m not doing all this work for the idiots who won’t notice. I’m doing it for the people who will.
14. Regarding the use of theatrical essentials:
1. All cables are to be coiled, taped and stored correctly when not in use.
2. If it moves and it shouldn’t: Duct tape
3. If it should, and it doesn’t: WD-40
4. If all else fails: Gebruik dan cable-ties
15. Before you do anything:
1. Do you know what you are doing? If not, don’t do it.
2. Do you know why you are doing it? If not, don’t do it.
3. Do you know how to do it? If not, don’t do it.
16. Trial and error is only a valid method when you are working with equipment which costs less than your monthly income.
17. When moving any setpiece in the vicinity of cast, remember Rule 1.
18. If any given setpiece: a) Has wheels, and b) Weighs more than the average second-former, mark your safety zones. It’s embarrassing to have to explain to the first-aiders that someone was run over by a restaurant.
19. Regarding the sound booth:
1. No idiots in the sound booth.
1. Assume all non-crew to be idiots unless the alternative can be indisputably proven.
2. Come show-time, you will spend days in the sound booth. Fermenting pizza boxes do not create an enjoyable working atmosphere. Keep the sound booth clean.
20. Use of the phrase “too much duct tape” is a capital crime and is punishable by death.