10 Social Life Lessons It Took Me WAY Too Long To Learn...

I've always thought that at some point in my development, somewhere between being an embryo and a toddler, somebody, perhaps me, said "Yeah, I'll take the extra academic skill, you can make space by scrapping the social and sports skills. Thanks."

I spent most of my formative years with only a few friends, and nearly all of those were only according to my unique definition of "friend", namely "Someone who will tolerate my presence for any reasonable length of time." I don't blame anybody - looking back, I can imagine why people didn't want to be around me - and I've improved considerably, although there's still a lot of work to be done in some areas.

That said, there's some lessons that, looking back, I really should have figured out earlier. I still struggle with some of them; I've gotten to the point that I'm consciously aware of them, but actually putting them into practice isn't so easy.

Anyway, here they are:

1. Listen to yourself: If you think you shouldn't do/say/mention X, don't. Believe it or not, I never suffered any particular shortage of social acuity - my "social sense" worked fine most of the time. Sure, it missed out on a lot of the subtleties, but in terms of the gross details of what is appropriate or will be well-recieved, it was generally right. It was just that, for some reason that I still don't understand, I wouldn't listen to it. I'd think "I shouldn't say X" and then say X anyway. I don't know why, and it took me forever to stop, considering how basic a problem it was.
2. How to calm down: Nobody (decent) going to disown you for one small thing. I still have a problem where the moment there is any chance that one of my friends is annoyed at me, my brain stages a panic attack of truly epic proportions and the part of my subconscious that remembers what it was like to have no friends many years ago starts yelling "Fix it fix it fix it!" It's taken me a while to realise that even when it is something that I did, as opposed to a miscommunication, misunderstanding or random act of God that looks like it might be my fault, most people will get over it. More importantly:
3. When to let it rest: You can't reverse something you did by sheer quantity of apologies. When I do freak out, as above, I do two things: Try and find out what I did wrong, and then apologise profusely and endlessly. For a long time, it never occurred to me that the former can very easily seem, to the person you've offended, more like an interrogation than anything else. In the same way, the latter can just be annoying when the last thing the person wants is to be reminded endlessly of what you did.
4. Give them space: Not just when apologising, either. Different people operate at different levels of contact, a lesson I learned the hard way quite recently. What may seem to you like showing friendly concern may be nagging or even borderline stalking to someone else. Most friends will obviously give you some leeway; the closer the friendship, the more leeway you get. It can also be annoying hard to figure out where somebody's "line" is, but at some point you're going to have to work it out.
5. How to change: It's easy to use "I am who I am, and they don't like that" as an excuse for not fitting in, and to a degree it's valid; changing who you are just to fit can end very badly. But bluntly refusing to change even the slightest mannerism has pushed me away from a few good friends over the years. You don't need to change the core of who you are, but the fact is that everybody has negative attributes, and if you're not willing to at least work on getting rid of yours, people are going to have a hard time accepting you.
6. When to shut up: Somewhere between Grade 9, where I barely spoke at all, and now, a dial labelled "Utterly quiet - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 - Never shuts up" got turned up. It needed to happen, since I was sitting on a solid 1 maybe edging slightly towards a 2, but it got turned a bit far, and for a while I ended up in the 8-10 range. Everybody likes talking, but if you don't listen to other people they aren't going to listen to you. Simple as that.
7. Sometimes they don't want to know: Even if you have the right talking:listening ratio, sometimes the stuff you're talking about just doesn't interest people. I love theatre, and I love talking about stuff I've done in theatre. Many people find my stories interesting or amusing, but there are some that just don't want to hear, for reasons of their own, This is a prime example of Lesson 1 as well: I would be aware of their disinterest and just carry on regardless. But the fact is, it's not their responsibility to feign interest in whatever you're talking about. Find a topic of common interest instead of driving them off with sheer force of disinterest.
8. They have better things to do: Yet another of my faults is a tendency to get angry when I need - really need, not just want - someone to talk to, but everybody is busy. One of the harder life lessons in general is the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you, even when you really need something. A good friend might make a change to their schedule to help you out, but it's unfair to expect anyone to change their life drastically to fit you it.
9. People are complicated: I'm a logical person, and I spent a long, long time thinking that just being logical would make me a good friend and get me good friends. As it turns out (surprise, surprise!), people aren't logical. People will get offended at stupid little things, people will remain angry at you even after they accept that something was a miscommunication instead of being your fault. It's a fact of life, and learning to deal with it is an important part of maturity.
10. When to let go: In some ways, I'm an optimist, or at least an idealist. I treat every friendship as a permanent thing, and for me, the bond of a friendship lasts no matter how long you go without speaking to or seeing the friend. Even if someone else betrays my loyalty, I think that sinking to their level is childish.
    It took me a while to learn that the world doesn't always work like that. Sometimes friendships end. Sometimes it's just people drifting apart. Sometimes the situation changes in ways that make the friendship unviable. Sometimes it's because, despite your best intentions, you hurt your friend in a way that can't be taken back. Learning that sometimes you need to just let go is the hardest lesson I have ever learnt.